NEW

Hey Lord,

I'm not sure what to say about today. I was convicted intensely today...Lord I'm not sure what to think. I feel like such a slob. Ultimately belief is belief...and unbelief is unbelief...I want to pursue unbelief...and I want to pursue belief....

I find parts of Belief attractive...
I find parts of unbelief attractive....

I find them both unavoidable, and I find Christians weak. I find myself weak. I find myself selfish.
I desire something outside myself to help me become more than I am.

Jesus if you are willing take me...give me hope. Give me the hard decisions...whatever they may be.

I'm scared out of my mind of losing my parents. I'm scared out of my mind.
They're my security. They're my love. I can't think of anyone else who loves me so much. The rest of this world seems to want something from me...even Christians...but...my parents...they just love me...they've loved me since before I loved them. and I suppose that's how you are. please Lord bless them.

Bless Emily too. she's going through a rough time...let her know that I don't hate her. Be with Katie and Dani, and the other Emily tonight...Help Michelle out let her draw closer to you, as well as Ethan. I pray for the rest of the RA's including myself that we would come to see something of a truth about you. I want to believe...Lord...

Give me the tools that make faith...and an authentic one too. Jesus I read your book, but I just get frustrated. Anyway. I'm heading out...bed is now. Jesus. if you are there. please. please. please...do your will in my life.

Library Class Post

This is a post I did for a class, but I thought I came up with some interesting ideas about information.

"As soon as something happens information is created, and it is a tendency for us humans to make that information more structured as time ebbs on. Knowledge appears in fluid formats in its nascent stages such as: word of mouth, radio, television, and the internet. Generally, these beginning formats of information are meant mainly for dissemination, and because of that they tend to be more basic in form and can lend themselves to being amended. As time goes on more information is added to the subject until the information has been completely solidified, catalogued, and analyzed with scholarly journals and books.

This is the information cycle that Dr. Bob Baker described in the video. It is a concept that I never really thought about consciously, but it is not entirely new either. Solidifying knowledge is something we all do on a regular basis, so it makes sense that we would do so on a grander scale with information that is outside of our heads.

Example: For a child the world is filled with wonder, because it has not completely understood or categorized the information in it. An older child will have less difficulty understanding the world around them, because they are more familiar with the data they are encountering and have made associations with that data to help them define that data more clearly, generally speaking. We may see an animal that is new to us and wonder if it is a cat, a dog, or a fish, but the information becomes more stable as we become more familiar through investigation. Then we can confidently say that this animal is a fish, because we have synthesized the information that tells us what a fish is with the information that is available to us about the animal we are looking at. "

Christ and I

Christ and I have been sort on the out. I'd like to write a prayer to Him. Lord I listen to your preachers and Your people they're wonderful people...and some of the things I hear I know are wrong...and some of things I hear I don't know about. I don't know how you work...and I know t...that all I am is evil. It becomes increasingly apparent that I need something outside of myself to help me...I am confused in every way about this. I don't know what could....Dawkins' God delusion makes some good points...institutionalized religion...uses techniques of group think...where everyone sorta' knows...but no one knows...but we're all confident on one thing...without really knowing anything. ...but who really knows anything at all?

I want to do good..but I confess that I feel like a stick in the mud...
perhaps I don't get filled with goodness from other people or from God...although I feel blessed....perhaps not known...or cared for...but blessed...I don't have a go to guy or gal....but I could go to some guys or gals...

vapid.

MY LIFE!

I'm becoming more self-indulgent...although I pray for people...I don't have that same...I don't know...fervor....I used to have...

YET

God spoke to me...I'm sure of it, and I'm almost completely sure it was because of my position as a lifegroup leader...

If not for that reason I don't know why.

God please melt my heart...help me to understand You in a greater sense...and help me to articulate myself...and help me most of all to love...and have a sense of justice....

Give strength to my friends...help them...
help those who don't know you...and
help us not to forget you or your ways.

In the FACE!

As I feel I have just taken one to the chin today. I feel a great amount of release. It's like when you're in a fight, and you've been paranoid about getting hurt so you've just been dodging up to this point. Finally this guy lands one, and then you're not so afraid...and in fact you're a little pissed that you let him.

The other situation is that he lands one on you and you are so stunned that he just jumps on you and goes to town. That was me a few weeks ago...still slightly, but now a new area has opened up...a new place to be hurt and I've hurt not so deeply YET. It's a good thing to know that, and an even better one to prevent it from getting worse.

I can't explain how much I feel God when I'm under incredible stress. It harkens me back to the Believing Brain. Makes me doubt that faith...but it feels so real. I can't explain it...and I feel so much more alive. Yah, I feel like I'm dodging bullets everyday...but...when I'm not in this sort of situation...I feel miserable anyway...and now I feel really good despite having to work a bunch...may not feel that way in the morning...but I can't explain my feelings...and no I'm not high.

I'm more creative when I'm in trouble...that makes sense according to the information in the believing brain, because when a person is under more stress...the body apparently sees more patterns....even if they aren't apparent... so I can make more connections...even if they aren't apparent...in a way being an artist...is finding patterns and connections that aren't apparent...or ones that illustrate a concept...in a new way.....but make it understandable to the viewer....something brand new stating something old...but speaking understadably to an audience.

Art is finding a new pattern to an old truth, but giving that pattern the ability to speak to the populous.

hmmmm...I'ma a go think about things...well...actually I'ma go to bed :) Thanks God for another wonderful day...It was terrible...but so revitalizing...thank you for the bad. :)

Help!

God! I need Your help.

this fits perfectly that I'd believe in you right now, because my world is spinning out of my hands. I have so much I need to get done, but I can't right now. I'm so freaked out....I don't know how to do anything. I'm exhausted and I can't get anything done. Maybe I shouldn't be an RA or maybe I can't do the art. I love art, but I can't do it anymore. I'm really tired...more perhaps more than ever before. they tell me I don't need good grades, but I feel like such a failure right now. How will I succeed in anything I can't meet deadlines. I can't...I'm too meticulous...I can't put things together....I'm not even creating real sentences right now...and I just wish I had a life like everyone else....I don't have time....maybe they don't either...but I'm really trying to get things done...I try my hardest. Maybe it's not good enough.

If you happen across this...pray...I want something...I need something...the conversations I have are meaningless and vain....I spent 4 hours thinking about a concept...but it doesn't work. It's probably pretty cliche...BUT I need to get it out.