In declaration I suppose I am solidifying the event that has
caused me to start this post, because it is far too magnanimous an event
to forget or disregard. Throughout the course of a life there exist
certain consequences and actions that force the beholder to close their
eyes, pinch themselves, then re-reveal the reality before them. For this
reason alone I choose sobriety on a day to day basis, for too much of
my life has been spent double taking, doubting and questioning.
Similar to a young student’s awe that is evident when a student discovers something jaw-dropping and innate about this world, my discovery has left me amazed. No matter how you try to fill yourself with wonder or awe it seems that only the things that are left under the proverbial nose truly grasp you with the greatness of what they are. Audiences flock to shows for wonder, but in my experience there is the dreaded let down upon completion. Yet, for the student who has discovered the complex organization of our world can renew such wonder at the very thought and presence of his immersion in the world. It is the same for me.
So as you read this you may believe, “This is no epiphany, it is around us all the time.” But I ask you look closer, for I have no bearing on the depth of the mystery, nor do I believe any could on the nature of such a subject.
A nearly continuous system that has reigned in my life has been the inability to dissolve or absolve guilt or shame. Myself a perfectionist, I yearn first and foremost for the unobtainable. Perfection is unobtainable. The little mistakes that I make I am able to shove aside and forget, but the larger mistakes will plague me and ravage my life. Before their massive, inexcusable quality I bend in realization that this is no power within me to right what has been wronged. Hear the echoes that resound through the life of a bitter word that says “spoiled” constantly. Then upon the backs of the powerful disappointment mount up the smaller ones, which now have a larger weight given to them by the crippling effects of one so strong.
Coping is not an option; it is a need, a vital one. A man goes to a prostitute to find a sense of intimacy, but none will be given him. It is a farce, a trick, and the same is done with our shame and guilt. Where shall we put it? Instinctually, I denied my wrongdoing; for there can be no shame with no wrong. Yet the evidence smashed my face as I saw that things were not as they were. Why would they be so if I had not caused them to be so?
Then, I was brought low, and despondent under the weight of my sin, writhing as one does who has been burned with a brand. It was my duty to carry it, but it is not easy, nay, it is impossible. So I discounted the wrong that I truly had done, and said in my heart it is not so crippling a thing. If I had gone on much longer thinking in this way I fear I may have believed it, but the reality once again brought me to see: I once was in a place, and now that place is gone…my sin has caused a rift…my sin has mangled a sacred part of my life.
As I listened to a podcast today by Ravi Zacharias…concerning the effects of guilt and shame and what to do with such things…I melted at the conclusion. By the end of the message, which resolved in so pleasant a way as: surrender the guilt to God, I felt an uneasiness. Anxiety raked at me and I fought for peace…this was it…my chance and hope for freedom. I was gonna’ surrender the hell out of my guilt and shame.
Trekking off towards a nearby church, I resolved to pray until I felt God would forgive me. About half-way…I realized it was already done, God’s mercy, God’s grace had already absolved me…and such a joy cast over me in such an unexpected flush that I can’t quite remember the last time something of the same nature had happened.
I had forgotten…the gospel.
What was I to do as I sat there panting under the stress and weight of my sin? My mangled perception wreaked and so did my life before me…but with the realization that God has forgiven…for even after I had been forgiven in human terms…I still had not forgiven myself.
If My wrong is forgiven…I am still left unredeemed, and my transgression will continue. What is to become of me? There is no change in my innermost being, and that effect that I caused is part of who I am now…irreconcilably.
In understanding that God is the one that I have truly sinned against…for He has born the burden…I am free…when I accept His grace…there is joy and freedom in His love.
This divine miracle…that I am made new…that I haven’t done such a thing in His sight and I am new…I am as pure as Christ before Him…It’s something I’ve told people hundreds of times, but I can’t say I have ever had a want to try to believe it for myself.
It truly is amazing.
Similar to a young student’s awe that is evident when a student discovers something jaw-dropping and innate about this world, my discovery has left me amazed. No matter how you try to fill yourself with wonder or awe it seems that only the things that are left under the proverbial nose truly grasp you with the greatness of what they are. Audiences flock to shows for wonder, but in my experience there is the dreaded let down upon completion. Yet, for the student who has discovered the complex organization of our world can renew such wonder at the very thought and presence of his immersion in the world. It is the same for me.
So as you read this you may believe, “This is no epiphany, it is around us all the time.” But I ask you look closer, for I have no bearing on the depth of the mystery, nor do I believe any could on the nature of such a subject.
A nearly continuous system that has reigned in my life has been the inability to dissolve or absolve guilt or shame. Myself a perfectionist, I yearn first and foremost for the unobtainable. Perfection is unobtainable. The little mistakes that I make I am able to shove aside and forget, but the larger mistakes will plague me and ravage my life. Before their massive, inexcusable quality I bend in realization that this is no power within me to right what has been wronged. Hear the echoes that resound through the life of a bitter word that says “spoiled” constantly. Then upon the backs of the powerful disappointment mount up the smaller ones, which now have a larger weight given to them by the crippling effects of one so strong.
Coping is not an option; it is a need, a vital one. A man goes to a prostitute to find a sense of intimacy, but none will be given him. It is a farce, a trick, and the same is done with our shame and guilt. Where shall we put it? Instinctually, I denied my wrongdoing; for there can be no shame with no wrong. Yet the evidence smashed my face as I saw that things were not as they were. Why would they be so if I had not caused them to be so?
Then, I was brought low, and despondent under the weight of my sin, writhing as one does who has been burned with a brand. It was my duty to carry it, but it is not easy, nay, it is impossible. So I discounted the wrong that I truly had done, and said in my heart it is not so crippling a thing. If I had gone on much longer thinking in this way I fear I may have believed it, but the reality once again brought me to see: I once was in a place, and now that place is gone…my sin has caused a rift…my sin has mangled a sacred part of my life.
As I listened to a podcast today by Ravi Zacharias…concerning the effects of guilt and shame and what to do with such things…I melted at the conclusion. By the end of the message, which resolved in so pleasant a way as: surrender the guilt to God, I felt an uneasiness. Anxiety raked at me and I fought for peace…this was it…my chance and hope for freedom. I was gonna’ surrender the hell out of my guilt and shame.
Trekking off towards a nearby church, I resolved to pray until I felt God would forgive me. About half-way…I realized it was already done, God’s mercy, God’s grace had already absolved me…and such a joy cast over me in such an unexpected flush that I can’t quite remember the last time something of the same nature had happened.
I had forgotten…the gospel.
What was I to do as I sat there panting under the stress and weight of my sin? My mangled perception wreaked and so did my life before me…but with the realization that God has forgiven…for even after I had been forgiven in human terms…I still had not forgiven myself.
If My wrong is forgiven…I am still left unredeemed, and my transgression will continue. What is to become of me? There is no change in my innermost being, and that effect that I caused is part of who I am now…irreconcilably.
In understanding that God is the one that I have truly sinned against…for He has born the burden…I am free…when I accept His grace…there is joy and freedom in His love.
This divine miracle…that I am made new…that I haven’t done such a thing in His sight and I am new…I am as pure as Christ before Him…It’s something I’ve told people hundreds of times, but I can’t say I have ever had a want to try to believe it for myself.
It truly is amazing.
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