Overwhelmed.

Anxiety is not my problem right now.

I have lots of things to do, and there is a bit of anxiety that blends its way into things. However, I'm just exhausted. I've noticed that I can't take media anymore. I hate the television. I can't take music anymore. I'm growing weary of people, and conversations to be honest. I'm focusing on myself. I suppose, but I feel like there are all these people taking bits and pieces from me, and I really don't make any real connections. It takes me an hour to get up in the morning, which I think is just a side-effect of being incredibly tired.

God is more real.

I don't understand it myself.

I need some close people who I can relax with, because I'm falling apart. I'm remembering the lonliness that I had during the summer, and it hurts. It's vacuous...I didn't feel like eating last night because of it.

I pity people a whole bunch, but I don't know how to help them. I really admire Steve Rieske a bunch now for his role in my life. I think he is an exemplary man in many ways. He's true. Interestingly enough I wonder if he could ever go back on his faith...and the answer it no. He's too far in I think. It's too much of who he is...and for that matter I feel Christianity is too much of who I am for me to go back on it. I'm not sure if it matters whether or not it ALL makes sense. Enough of it makes sense, and not just surface details but intimate details of the faith make the most sense. Things that other religions don't talk about seem to make the most sense.

I can't help everyone. I'm getting older. I can't be their friends....

Somehow I picked up this idea that we just all need to be friends or at least tolerate one another, and then we'll be fine. That's not true. I can't do that. I can't tolerate everyone, because some are evil. If you think everyone is good...you're wrong. I can't tolerate other people because they're too good, I'm jealous, and that's my evil. I can't be friends with everyone, because they're not like me...we need to share intimate truths...I can be surface acquaintances...but don't expect much from that.

However, I can love them. I can try to help them, but much of love is tough in type and manner.