Understanding

There are so many subjects I want to touch on.
There are so many things I wish I could say and so many ways I wish I could encourage others through my blogs...and notes on facebook, but it seems I can't stick to them. I don't have the perseverance to keep my mind on an idea right now...perhaps, because it is 2:58 am.

Regardless, I don't want to go to bed and I want to write, even though I'm tired.

I probably just need to vent. In these times conversation with God ensues. I thank Him for my blessings. I feel so blessed. Friends, I'm glad to know you, and please forgive me for using the same sentence structure continually.

Closeness beckons me. Physically, my position is farther from my friends than ever, and I end up doing things like watch their videos...or facebook stalk. Please forgive my actions in those regards, and see that it's more to know you than out of infatuation. I don't know if that makes it better.

It's different here. In my younger years I maintained this place, my parents home, as a hermitage. Closeness was a thing I longed for, yet it was so foreign that it allowed fear to dominate. Rare were the occasions of true friendship.

Time after time I would curse God for putting me in a position where I felt more alone than anything. That's part of my dialogue with the creator sometimes. My tongue is sharp, and more often than not I end up slitting myself with my own words.

This is a sort of raw outpouring of my thoughts. It's important...perhaps not for you...but it'll probably help...you...or me.

I'm longing for much from all of you, and more from myself. Finding Jesus is hard sometimes. Christ is with us, but sometimes you wouldn't know it. It's similar to the way you wouldn't pay attention to certain things that are taken for granted...or in the way you don't notice someone when you're mesmerized or in deep concentration. But I feel like I'm just in black right now... I can't explain...that sounds dark...and i suppose it is...but no worries.

Night comes. Sometimes.
Not all the time.

There's Jesus...but I couldn't point you in His direction, because it's dark.
Bible's a good place to look. Try talking to Him as well. Sing to Him. Ask people where they've seen Him.

My eyes are adjusting...but I feel void of light.
Perhaps I'm not looking for God at all.
John talked of Christ as a Light.
I know that.
Maybe that's some Light.
Maybe I'm just tired.

They're thoughts.
Don't pay them much head.
Christ's foundation in my heart is stronger than momentary fumblings.
Why?
Because it's real.

I don't feel like its real right now, but...it is.
I don't feel like thousands of people are being flooded by the Mississippi River, but they are.

Hopefully that is a good...metaphor for where I am with God.
Maybe I just feel like where I am is dark, but surprise! It is actually light lol :)

Goodnight.
Thanks for Reading :)

I appreciate you guys :)